Finding our place in this world....it ain't easy folks. Part of my personality is one that likes to solve things quickly. Some may call this a form of (dun-dun-dunnnnn) being Type A mixed with impatience and maybe a pinch of competitiveness. When playing tennis, if I don't master a new shot within the first 5 attempts, my blood starts to boil. Can't help it, I just have to control my temper outwardly. New technology frustrates me because I don't want to have to learn a new way, but when I do take the time, I'm always glad that I did. And so, when it comes to even bigger things like....what IS my purpose here on this earth? Or...am I doing what I'm called to do with the gifts that God has given me? Or...here's one....what exactly ARE my God given gifts?...I find myself struggling because I don't always have the answer.
Well, I've started to get some answers in recent times. I've felt some clarity. And the main answer I've gotten is....time....it takes time and life experiences to really figure out who we are. And, even better, what I was 5 years ago, isn't necessarily who I am today. So, unfortunately for me, there isn't one answer. Once again, I'm finding that this world isn't just black and white. Lots of gray. Lots of it people.
However, since becoming a mom and staying home, I have discovered many things about myself. A few of which are:
1. I really enjoy writing. Weird....I didn't like it until I was an adult. I don't have near as much time as I wish I did to sit and do it.
2. I still love helping people and helping them learn. It's the old teacher in me.
3. Documenting the little things in our family makes me giddy. I love taking pictures, hanging up pictures, using pictures as our main decorating focus, capturing random kid moments and conversations for the blog (which I print off into books for the kids). I want to soak it all up so that one day, we can all look back on our journey together as a family. Plus, I have full-on mom brain....I forget all KINDS of things now.
4. The people I admire the most in this world are very honest about themselves...the good and the bad, they don't hide or pretend to be someone they are not, they don't fear confrontation or working through problems or life in general, and they are not afraid to talk about God. I think this is one of a multitude of reasons I just love Trey. He is #4. He is....awesome in my eyes. If I'm brutally honest, I admire people like this, because those traits did not use to come naturally to me. Key words, "use to"....I have felt God doing some changing in me....
Over the past year, I've really started to find my way. Mission trip to Guatemala....it connected with my soul and I stomped on the fear that had kept me from going for so long. Continuation of my blog....the kids and I laugh so much at old pictures posted and stories told. I've gotten to socialize more than I have since we started on the baby path 7 years ago...it has been so nice.
And my new project started about two weeks ago. I started writing a book. I've wanted to for so long, but I didn't have a vision for it and it just didn't feel right. Until I was on the treadmill (I swear, I do some of my best thinking there and life seems so clear....the power of endorphins baby) and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. It's a book where I'm brutally honest, but kind. A book where I get to share more personal stories than I do on my blog. A book where my feelings and personality definitely show. I'm writing this book for my girls....just for them. I want to document things for them from my life experiences at 34 and onward. It's not just my thoughts, I'm putting in articles and speeches that I think will help them find their way too. Ones that have inspired me. There's a section for them to read in high school, college and even for marriage and kids. Why? Not because I want to tell them what to do with their lives. That's between them and God. I have no desire to control my children's destiny. But we all need guidance and a little help now and then and sometimes looking into the past can help clear the way for the future. And, it will always be a work in progress....just like I am. Always things to add, things to learn, ways in which we can grow.
Good old Facebook lead me to a blog today that I LLLLLLLLOVE. It's called Momastery. The writer of the blog, in my personal opinion, is so gifted. And so open and honest. When I read this excerpt from a post, it really hit home with me.
I believe that you have found your life when you find a decent melody; a song that you can sing in your own company. Ernest Becker wrote: “Most of our life is in large part a rationalization of our failure to find out who we really are, what our basic strength is, what thing it is that we were meant to work upon the world.” I think we learn our basic strength, that thing we were meant to work upon the world, when we find what breaks our heart. Or when we find what makes our heart hum. Or when we identify something that energizes and inspires us more than anything else on the planet. When we find that thing, that when we look upon it, we recognize ourselves.
I love to be inspired. What she says is so true. In recent times, I've experienced heartbreak, heart humming, and things that make me feel alive inside. And....at 34, I feel like I'm finding me.
I hope you, too, get to discover yourself and that you don't settle for mediocrity in this world. Mediocrity....bleck. This life is a gift from God. Make the most of it by making the most of yourself.
